Some days it's harder to breathe than others. I live my life and love it. I couldn't ask for more. I have everything that I have ever wanted. Then there are those times that it's hard to remember how great I really have it. Once in awhile, I come across a passage in a novel, or a song on the radio, or a scene in a movie that reminds me. I feel my heart stop for an instant. I have to remember to make myself breathe. Flashes of thoughts invade my mind of scenes from another time. I'm never strong enough to stop them. They come so sudden and strong. Overwhelming. They are as vivid as if I were still there. I can smell the salt in the air and feel the warm breeze on my face. I turn towards the ocean and see the dark clouds coming in. I remember wondering if that was an ominous sign. People don't trust their instincts like they should. I push out the thoughts, but the sinking feeling sometimes lasts for days. After so many years you would think it would go away. My husband is very perceptive, more so than I would like. Although he knows what I react to, he tries not to show it. Every once in a while when we argue, he tells me to stop making him pay for someone else's mistakes. That's always a really cold slap in the face. I try really hard not to. I think sometimes the overcompensation of that is too obvious to him.

I read back through some of my older posts. I remembered that there were many that I deleted. I laugh now at one that ended up with about twenty comments between him, Robert, and Adam. Robert of course was the one coming to my rescue. He basically told both of them to shut up and that neither deserved me. At the time I swore he was wrong. Now, as I think about it, it was pretty pathetic. There was always the idiot's attempt to live up to the things I could do. I'm sure that was one of the reasons. Unknowingly, I tend to intimidate people. Apparently my facial expressions give me away. I guess this is especially true when I am irritated with stupidity. Either way, I know he felt inferior many times. That's got to be hard on the self esteem.

When someone says they are sorry for hurting you, how do you not laugh? Wow. So, you think that makes any difference at all? As I said, I love my life now. Everything that happens is for a reason. It led me to where I am. Does that change the fact that I am not the same?