Some days it's harder to breathe than others. I live my life and love it. I couldn't ask for more. I have everything that I have ever wanted. Then there are those times that it's hard to remember how great I really have it. Once in awhile, I come across a passage in a novel, or a song on the radio, or a scene in a movie that reminds me. I feel my heart stop for an instant. I have to remember to make myself breathe. Flashes of thoughts invade my mind of scenes from another time. I'm never strong enough to stop them. They come so sudden and strong. Overwhelming. They are as vivid as if I were still there. I can smell the salt in the air and feel the warm breeze on my face. I turn towards the ocean and see the dark clouds coming in. I remember wondering if that was an ominous sign. People don't trust their instincts like they should. I push out the thoughts, but the sinking feeling sometimes lasts for days. After so many years you would think it would go away. My husband is very perceptive, more so than I would like. Although he knows what I react to, he tries not to show it. Every once in a while when we argue, he tells me to stop making him pay for someone else's mistakes. That's always a really cold slap in the face. I try really hard not to. I think sometimes the overcompensation of that is too obvious to him.

I read back through some of my older posts. I remembered that there were many that I deleted. I laugh now at one that ended up with about twenty comments between him, Robert, and Adam. Robert of course was the one coming to my rescue. He basically told both of them to shut up and that neither deserved me. At the time I swore he was wrong. Now, as I think about it, it was pretty pathetic. There was always the idiot's attempt to live up to the things I could do. I'm sure that was one of the reasons. Unknowingly, I tend to intimidate people. Apparently my facial expressions give me away. I guess this is especially true when I am irritated with stupidity. Either way, I know he felt inferior many times. That's got to be hard on the self esteem.

When someone says they are sorry for hurting you, how do you not laugh? Wow. So, you think that makes any difference at all? As I said, I love my life now. Everything that happens is for a reason. It led me to where I am. Does that change the fact that I am not the same?

There are some emails that I start to hit send and stop myself. Email addresses are so easy to find. Should I be nice or condecending? How about direct and threatening? Does either of these accomplish my initial goal? A friend told me today that he would set up a website that I could post phone records, copies of emails and texts....even videos and music. In that case, I wouldnt have to say anything. I could simply send a link. As tempting as all this is, I'm not that person. Not to say I couldn't be pushed too far. My husband thinks that I should call or email these things. I don't. It would ruin too many lives...three innocents that dont have a clue that liars live among them. You can't ignore problems to make them go away. You also can't fuck with someone much more intelligent than you and expect to get away with it. An intelligent person would always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. After all pawns are expendable for the safety of the Queen. The only piece that is worth protecting more than the queen is the king. The queen is willing to sacrifice herself for the king in order to win the game.

Forgiveness is a whole other story. It may or may not be the topic of discussion in another post.

Wow!!!! Almost a year since my last post. Lots has changed. If you are reading this as only my close friends could, then you know the changes.
So, lets start with a quote from a not so well known author:

Life can lead you down many paths, some with twists and turns. Others are straight, but narrow. It's not the path you take that makes any difference in the outcome. It's who you take with you down that path.
That took me way too long to finally figure that out. I kept following my heart and ended up going nowhere. Once I realized that my heart was controlled by automaticity, I understood why I kept falling for the wrong guy. It was automatic!
You have to choose by knowing what you need. Your heart will always follow.
Once I saw a bird fly into a glass door and drop dead. I immediately thought...how freaking stupid! It wasnt until later that I understood that he just kept going because he couldn't see the danger ahead. It seemed like a clear choice, but infact was a solid window that he could see out of, but never get through. Such is life going down any path with the wrong person.

I love that song. I think it's my new favorite. Today I was so happy. Small things like holding the elevator door for someone who smiles and says thank you makes life...well ...life. All day, my eyes bright and happy. My walk, faster and more sure...

then...the letter.

I knew...somehow I was sitting...waiting. Life is never that good for me for too long. Why should this day be any different. Dont get me wrong. I dont mind bad news. Thats part of life as well. It's just the timing is always so perfect. The week before my wedding. It's like my life has a clock that says..." ok your 10 minutes of happiness is over" I try not to fight the fact that life is a balance. It just seems like mine is tilted ever so slightly to the left. Maybe its my head....it always tilts when I try to figure something out. Yep ...that must be it because thinking that I get more bad than good in life just seems so cruel.

Nothing like a good laugh to make the jagged truth pill go down a bit easier. Karma does happen. It happens to me and will happen to you. I try to remember that. Makes dealing with the bad stuff easier knowing that the asshole who caused it will somehow learn from his mistakes.
Well...off to bed.
I'll just listen to the song...one more time before sleep.....

What if you Could wish me away
What if you Spoke those words today
I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn
But for tonight I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight I'll lay here with you
But when the sun Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
What if you
Could hear this song
What if I Felt like I belong
I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight
So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you
But when the sun Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do
I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place
So,for tonight I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight I'll lay here with you
But when the sun Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

Now and Forever
For Alyn

You found me when I was lost
I thought never to find my way
You were the light that lit my path
To show me a new day

Discovering my smile in the darkness
Mending my heart with love
You lifted my soul to new heights
Accepting my gift from above

When the thought of you brightened my day
I knew that we should be together
Our lives merged so naturally
As they shall …now and forever

Life implosion leaves you drained, unable to speak or lift your arms to the sky. It makes you feel gray, as if you are not real, simply partially existant. Sleep seems to be a welcomed aphrodesiac enveloping your brain, easing the pull of the world' s gravity of life.

A few more hours until the new year. No plans tonight...Alyn is working and I have the kids so I think that the kids and I will all snuggle on the couch and watch movies till the new year rolls in. I dont think that's such a bad way to start the year. We will make cookies and popcorn and watch the Harry Potter series....again.

I havent posted in quite awile because life has really thrown me for a loop! I have been so busy. I would much rather post here than myspace so that only a select few can read. If you are even aware that this journal exists, then you are a special part of my life not shared with many others. So ...muah!

Anyway...

I kept thinking of an interesting word today. For some reason it just kept popping into my mind...so I thought I would share.

Disengage. The word is so comforting to me for some odd reason. If you are unsure of it's definition...this is for you:

Disengage: To release from something that holds fast, connects, or entangles.

I think this word is so important for many reasons and so difficult for most to accomplish. We struggle with the very action that this word emplies. For some of the lucky ones it may be instantaneous, for others, take months to years.

I think my one and only New Year's resolution for 2007 is to disengage from all that has a negative impact on me.
Yep..that'll do!